Too Much to Apologize For
by Harmony283
Summary: Then--despite the tears--despite the shaking--despite how cold it was outside, and how imperfect the situation was--The man smiled. Kanda x Lavi EXTRA SCENE ADDED! R&R PLEASE!
1. Memoir

**Yet another upload from the D. Gray Man Kink Meme. **

**Kink: **Kanda is in denial about wanting Lavi. Then one day he ends up snapping, and in a bout of temporary insanity ends up raping him. Kanda then either regains control of himself half way through, feeling terribly guilty but unable to stop before he finishes, or he regains control after, mortified about hurting his friend. *extras* Lavi can enjoy it (to a point), can have a crush on Kanda before hand, but is forced into sex anyway and afterward Lavi ends up feeling scared/hurt/betrayed/broken and maybe doesn't want to be near Kanda anymore.

**Long Kink, yes, but I had far too much fun with it. You can tell from the length of this...uh...*cough*Ifailatwritingshortthings*cough* **

**WARNINGS: **(Other than what the kink implies), violence, language, overabundance of plot, vague sex-scene that probably doesn't make sense, mentions of past rape, etc...

**Song Inspiration: **_Shattered _by Trading Yesterday

Enjoy?

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No one had expected it to go well. It was a given, now, when they had lost so many, and this battle ran on for so long. It was a wonder any came back alive anymore, once The Earl had played his master hand.

Noah's weren't just an occasional pop up, now. In fact, it would be unusual for them _not_ to appear, with a hoard of Akuma trailing behind them, following their orders to a T.

There were so many victims, too; so much destruction. It was hard enough to keep this hidden—give excuses as to why cities and towns across Europe would just randomly disappear off the face of the planet. People were beginning to panic. This was exactly the last thing anyone needed.  
Wide spread fear.

And this—this wasn't just something of a serial killer. No. Serial killers could be killed as well, and then the fear would settle. But this? This _came_ from fear. Fear of being alone, of having a loved one die. It fed on fear.

Needless to say; things weren't going well. And not just on the battle front.

"Komui?" The head chief looked up from the stack of papers piling up on his desk—eyes immediately finding Lenalee, standing, pensively, at the door. She was gripping a familiar silver tray, with his favorite mug, but he could see her hands shaking. He could see the wounds she just barely recovered from.

It made him sick that he would have to send his dear, precious Lenalee back onto the battlefield before she was even ready.

"Yes?" He asked, anyway, pushing away from his desk, and beckoning the girl forward, "You brought me coffee!" He tried to smile cheerfully, but the look on the other's face stopped him just seconds short of the emotion.  
Her hands were still shaking, as she handed him the mug; a bit of the warm liquid splashing over onto the papers beneath.

"Ah—I'm sorry—" she started to apologize, but he waved it off, taking a sip. Her shoulders didn't relax, like they used to.

"What's wrong?" He asked again, setting the mug on the only clear space on the desk, "You can tell me, Lenalee, you know that, right?" it always worried him to see her in such a state, especially right before missions were to be received. He couldn't—absolutely _wouldn't_ no matter what rule of conduct he'd be breaking—send his beloved Lenalee out on the battlefield with _that_ expression on her face.

An Exorcist who wasn't mentally stable was just as bad as an Exorcist who was too injured to fight, after all. He wouldn't risk it.

Finally, Lenalee let out a sigh, "It's…Kanda." Recognition lit up in Komui's eyes.

_Ah. Kanda._ Of course it was Kanda. He picked up the mug again, just to have something to do with his hands, "What about him?" He didn't want to give anything away, but he could already tell where this was heading.

"He's—" Lenalee swallowed, "I know he's injured." A pause, she squeezed the tray against her chest, "But…something's…different." Her eyes were shaking now; watery. Oh God, she was going to _cry_ wasn't she? He couldn't have that--_wouldn't_ have that!

He maneuvered his way back around the desk, reaching out with, he hoped, comforting hands, to pull Lenalee against him, "He'll be fine." He murmured, softly, in her ear, petting her hair the way he did when she was younger, "You know Kanda, he'll always pull through."

Lenalee didn't answer him. Not right away, at least. She waited for a moment, enjoyed the warmth of the hug, and the comfort. Then, she sighed, and stepped back, trying her best to smile, "I hope so."

Komui smiled, "I know so. Is he still in the medical wing?"

Lenalee shook her head, "He refused to stay there. He's back in his room, but I think the Matron sent Lavi after him—to check on him, or something." She let out a half-sobbed giggle, "I don't know how well that'll go."

"But it's definitely better than nothing."

Lenalee nodded her head, and attempted to smile again. Komui couldn't help but feel relaxed by the familiar motion, "I suppose it is." She exhaled deeply and backed away, "sorry to bother you, brother."

Komui held up a hand to stop her, "It's more than alright." He smiled reassuringly, "We're all a little on edge, lately. I can't blame you for being worried. Kanda is one of our best." _and we don't need him falling_ but he didn't say that out loud. He didn't want Lenalee to worry. She worried too much, and even so much as putting the thought in her _mind_

Komui sighed, and watched as Lenalee slipped out the door.

It wasn't like Kanda would fall, either. He wasn't one to give in so easily. He never had been—even when he was younger, after…  
_everything_ he had survived. He had been strong. Komui still didn't know how he had done it; he was too afraid to ask. It wasn't like the man needed—nor wanted—pity. He was strong. Dependable. Brave. Maybe a bit reckless, but then he could afford to be, at least for now. Even if he warned the boy, it wasn't like he'd listen. Komui at least knew that much.

Even if they sent Lavi to drag him back to the Matron, he wouldn't go. If he had been anyone else, he would have worried.

But it was Kanda, after all. No one ever had to worry about Kanda…right?

**(A few days later...on a Mission...somewhere...) **

It left a bad taste in his mouth, he decided, as he cut through yet another Akuma; felt even more of its supposedly poisonous blood splatter against his skin. It tasted foul and definitely unlike soba, and though the analogy was bad, and the timing horribly off—he knew this wouldn't get him anywhere. He never expected it to.

His mind was too full to concentrate, and he knew he had to. Had to push away the thoughts that would only _go_ away with a proper meditation session. But he couldn't even meditate; not here on the middle of the battle field, with Akuma left and right—he almost wondered when the Noah would show up.

He almost wished they wouldn't, but he knew better than hope. Hope was idiotic, and stupid, and tended to let people down more often than not, and only the _Moyashi_ did that anyway—and the _Moyashi_ wasn't even here.

Only the redhead—the distraction—off to his left, getting too far ahead, swinging his head like a maniac.

Kanda exhaled again, scrunching up his nose at the all too familiar smell of melting flesh. He ignored the crumbling Finder's that had come with them—they would all die, anyway, if they didn't dammit _move_--most of them were newbie's anyway. What the hell was Komui thinking?!  
Scratch that. Kanda didn't _want_ to know.

He only concentrated (as much as he could, in his current state) on lowering the amount of Akuma, and catching up to the Baka-Usagi, who was now (with the help of his hammer) too far away. He wouldn't have seen him in the fading light, had it not been for the bright red hair he always had—making him stick out like a fucking flashlight.

Another Akuma attempted to sneak up behind him, in the split second his attention had lapsed—it was a level two this time, blades for arms, head tilted at a strange angle and shaped very much like a swastika. It even had a curling mustache curling over his lips and the beady dead eyes—  
_"Exorrrcist!"_ It aimed its weapon, but Kanda had already seen the motion—was already behind him, swiping through him easily.

More exploding 'flesh' and 'blood'. Kanda grit his teeth; Mugen in hand, and jumped on the remains to catapult himself farther.

The redhead was still there—fighting off two Level Threes who apparently had some sort of weakness to Fire. He would be fine—Kanda knew that. Even though he also knew that He had failed rather epically when he had fought against another Level 3.

He had to wonder why the man didn't just use more seals. Not that he cared, as he dashed along the collapsing buildings—feeling them crumble with every step.

Then he saw Lavi fall.

And even though he didn't care (really, he didn't) he felt his speed quicken. It was only a matter of time until the Level 3's would regroup and attempt to attack him while he was down.

_The idiot_ Kanda jumped from the last collapsing building onto the solid ground, ignoring rubble, and too-real flowers—as he made his way towards where the redhead had fallen. He ignored the bodies of those who had been crushed—_they were probably already dead anyway_ he told himself. _Tried_ to tell himself—and instead looked for the mass of red hair that always stood out.

And he found it, a few feet to left, behind a half fallen wall. The Akuma hadn't spotted him yet—they were still flying up above, _arguing_ (or at least it looked like) about something that Kanda really could care less about. He just concentrated on not gaining any attention, from said Akuma, as he maneuvered through the debris.

Immediately he had the very sharp point of Lavi's Hammer aimed at him, and really, he would have felt insulted but, upon closer inspection, his blind side was facing him. Of course Lavi wouldn't recognize immediately that it was _him_ and not an Akuma.

"Yuu-chan?" The redhead questioned (once realization hit him, a moment later) bringing his Innocence down to rest next to him. His voice sounded hoarse, like he was in pain, and immediately Kanda did a once over—checking for any sort of wound the man would have received. In the fading light, unfortunately, he couldn't.

"Che, are you hurt?" he asked instead, ducking down behind the wall as a Level 3 dashed by dangerously overhead.

"Yuu-chan cares?" A lopsided grin met his concern, and even that, Kanda noted, had an edge of pain to it.

"Che, no, idiot. We're in the middle of a fucking _mission_, if you can't _fight_ I'd prefer to know about it."

"But I _can_ still fight! Lavi immediately began protesting, albeit quietly as to not draw any attention.

The idiot rabbit wasn't _that_ much of an idiot, thankfully.  
"Che, I'll be the one who decides that."

"It's not fair though," Lavi shifted, then winced--_His legs_ Kanda made a mental note—"You always finish missions even when you're hurt." He was pouting now too, and that definitely wasn't cute.

"Because I heal faster than you," Kanda hissed out, drawing Mugen when yet another Level 3 zoomed over them, "Now shut the fuck up. You obviously can't stand, and if we don't get rid of at least one of these things they're going to chase the fuck after us, even after we get out of town."

He pretended to ignore the low chuckle Lavi gave after that, and the darker than needed words of, "What town?" But the words got lost amongst the rubble as Kanda pushed against a few unsteady pieces—into the air.

Immediately one Level 3 caught sight of him, laughing maniacally to the others, and soon Kanda was surrounded on all sides. Before one could attack he swiped at it, grinning when his sword made a sizable slash across the Akuma's chest—lips twisting confidently as the two other Akuma backed away in shock, watching their…leader (Kanda supposed) explode into tiny fragments.

And Kanda really would have said something smart after that, if the hand of Lavi's Hammer didn't just shoot past inches from his face.

_He really __**is**__ an idiot_. Kanda decided as a few of the surrounding level Twos got pierced through. Glancing down at the redhead, he noted that he was standing now, with a look of masked pain clear on his face, but he was still grinning.

"Neh, neh, Yuu-chan, like I'd really let you have all the fun!" Lavi teased.

And Kanda would have had a nice insult ready for that as well, one of the many he had in his repertoire, but it wouldn't come--_couldn't_ come. He had to concentrate as one of the Level 3s dashed down towards the redhead.

He wouldn't have time to bring up a seal, much less move.

_Shit, shit, shit_

He was already wounded enough, and Kanda wasn't about to stick around and wait for Lavi to heal, nor was he going to _carry_ him back. Or maybe he would. Because they couldn't lose an exorcist. They _couldn't_. Not now. Not when it was critical that they lived and breathed—and continued walking on their own two feet and—

_**Oh c'mon Yuu-chan!**_Kanda squeezed his eyes shut for a moment as the air rushed by him; ears ringing,_**It's jus' tha matron. An' besides…don't'cha know I'm worried?**_He couldn't think about that.  
**  
**The soft smiling face.

_Not soft_.

And the smile that stretched, and seemed only slightly more real. And the fact that the idiot redhead had finally knocked for once, something Kanda had been immensely grateful for at the time. He had needed the distraction then—but hated it—he couldn't concentrate, and the fact that Lenalee too, had been worried, and the fact _avoid_ was the first thing to come to his mind—

He brought Mugen up, and down, in a simple movement, tracing the Level 3's spine. He could see Lavi's grimace as the Akuma exploded in his face, but he didn't have the heart to feel bad.

"Baka," He hissed out through gritted teeth before turning sharply on his heels. He wasn't being Lavi's shield. No. He wouldn't have to be if the man wasn't such an _idiot_.

"But Yuu," And he pointedly ignored the breathy quality of the other's voice, sending a round of Hell's Insects through a few enraged Level 2s, "But…_Yuu_." He pointedly ignored the repeat, watching in smug annoyance as the Level 2's burst easily.

The Level One's were backing off now; scared that their 'superiors' had been so easily brought down. _It's better this way._ Kanda smirked, unfriendly, cold, _Fucking things_ though if he was anything like the _Moyashi_, he would have killed every one.

And maybe it was a lapse in judgment that he had.

But then maybe it wasn't, he decided, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Too heavy. Too tired, and oddly warm and _wet_.

Kanda glanced back when more weight was added, pressing into his back.  
Lavi's head was pressed, gently, against his shoulder blade, his free hand gripping at his Innocence, as if it was the only thing keeping him upright.

Kanda wouldn't have been so surprised if it was.

"Che," he ground out, shrugging off Lavi's hand, and maneuvering around, "Are you hurt?" He asked again, meaning, obviously _Where?_ But he would never ask that. It meant he cared. When he didn't. Not so much. Not—so much because Lavi was a _friend_ or some other shit the _Moyashi_ thought of. No.

He was just a tool, like the rest of them. And he couldn't be sacrificed yet.

"I-I…think…" thankfully the man was smart enough to tell him, voice shaky with pain and fatigue, "D…dun' know where though." He staggered for a moment, gripping his Innocence tighter, "M-My legs…hurt."

"Then sit." Maybe that was a little too loud, but it wasn't like this was about comfort. Kanda wouldn't let it be, as he beckoned for the man to sit (he more than willingly complied), and crouched down in front of him.

Immediately he went to inspecting, though with the light even worse than it had been when he first noticed the redhead, he couldn't tell much. Just that his pants had been stained by something dark. He couldn't tell if it was blood, or just dirt, and the way the man kept shifting to get comfortable made matters all the worse.

Kanda's hands flew out to grab the other's hips, "Stop moving, damn it." He hissed out, and immediately the legs stilled. Not just the legs, but the man's entire frame went stock-stiff. Not that Kanda cared, he just noticed it in passing, instead concentrating once more and feeling for wounds—in the dark, it was the only option. Feel, and listen for the sharp intake of breath Lavi usually gave when he was hurt.

And he got it, after a moment, on the insides of the man's thighs, near his boots.

"Y-Yuu…" The man shifted once, only slightly, legs stiffening just a little more as Kanda added more pressure, "I-I think…"

Kanda didn't let him finish, "Tore a muscle." He stated easily, "Or…pulled something. Broken bone," He backed away, sighing, "Che, can't tell in the dark."

Lavi shifted once more, Kanda could hear him swallow, "Y-yeah…here's not…the best place to…" he trailed off, looking in the opposite direction from where the Akuma had fled, "w-we should find…somewhere better. W-With water…I mean…" he trailed off again, swallowing thickly once more.

"Che, I'm not carrying you."

"I don't wantcha to." The suddenness of that answer shocked Kanda, but only slightly, "I mean, I got Odzuchi Kodzuchi with me. It'd be that much faster." He couldn't help but feel the man had rectified the sentence, amended it, like the first had been what he really wanted to say, but that it…wasn't in character.

He brushed it off easily, though, standing. He had to wait a moment for Lavi to get his bearings as well, for him to concentrate on "Extend, Extend, Extend!" even if the command lacked the usual force, and did something strange to Kanda's insides.

He would never say that.

He would never say he hoped they found water. And that he hoped the stains on the man's pants were dirt, not blood. Because that would be bad, very bad, and he didn't want to worry. The redhead worried enough for the both of them; _Even if he doesn't mean it_ but he didn't care too much to think on that as he was forced on the too-thin handle of Lavi's hammer, nor did he particularly want to when it looked like Lavi was in so much pain.  
He had to practically hold the male upright because of all the hissing he did, and shifting and—"Stop moving." He didn't like the way the man tensed too much under his touch either. It wasn't like Lavi.

Not that he cared, but he didn't want the other man falling off, considering that meant _he_ would fall as well. And that wouldn't be good. And finding water should be their _first_ priority above all else.

So when, with Odzuchi Kodzuchi's help, they reached the outskirts of town (could it really be called that anymore? Kanda wondered), to the forest that surrounded the battlefield, and dropped, rather harshly to the ground  
And when Lavi stumbled a few steps, Odzuchi Kodzuchi falling back to its usual small form so it could be placed back in its holster

Even more so when Lavi's eye wouldn't focus on anything in front of him, when Kanda saw a trail of blood leaking from under his exorcist jacket—down his arm—yes. Water was a main priority. Kanda just hoped the other wasn't as severe as he thought.

Though he couldn't stop from berating himself when he hadn't noticed the other wounds. He had been so focused on the man's legs—since that's where the other said he _hurt_--but just because it hurt didn't mean there weren't others.

So he grabbed the man's arm (a little more tenderly this time), and dragged him into the foliage, past the first few trees and their charred remains, deeper into the forest. Lavi didn't complain, just stumbled, and maneuvered stiffly as Kanda directed him. He didn't make a sound, even when he stumbled over loose tree roots, or had a particularly sharp branch brush up against his legs.

He didn't say a word.

Only breathed—in, out, in, out—so different from 'Lavi' who complained about every wound he received.

If Kanda cared enough, he would have asked the other man _why_. But he didn't. So he wouldn't. And when the first trickles of water reached his ears, his pace quickened. The fading light didn't make their journey much easier—casting disturbing shades of shadow on the forest floor, hiding potential roots that Lavi wasn't paying much attention to, and the _wind_ wasn't helping matters either.

But it got Lavi to comment, at least, "Rain." It was one word but it was better than nothing. An unresponsive Lavi meant so much more than a talkative one, "I's…gonna rain soon."

Slurred words were a bad sign, but Kanda ignored them, quickening his pace until the river sounds became louder, and with the overgrowth of trees, nearly all light—as well as wind—was brought to the barest halt; just a brush. He could still hear the howling overhead, though, between the branches.

"A-A bit scary, neh?" Lavi attempted to speak once more, voice shaking, but speed quickening as he (Kanda assumed) got used to the pain, "But we're close now. I-I can see it, da river." He let out a hallow chuckle, "'s more like a pond though. Small lake. Keh, it'll do though, neh?"

Kanda blinked at him for a moment, feeling his lips downturn in a frown that he couldn't necessarily hide, "Che," was his only response, as he continued to drag the redhead towards the apparent source.

Obviously they found the river first, and Kanda was almost tempted to stop there, with how noncompliant Lavi had started to become, but he didn't because if the wounds were as bad as he thought, the man would need a thorough cleansing.

…Which _meant_--

He snuffed that thought out before it could start.

Like he cared about that. He had seen the man naked before—albeit, usually from the waist up (for all the flirt the man was, he had a certain code of decency). Now would obviously be different, considering the wound placement. Not that it mattered.

Not that Kanda _wanted_ it to matter, as he helped (_forced_) the redhead across a shallow part of the stream, over to a grouping of rocks on the other side.

Then he turned around and opened his mouth, full out intended to say some form of "strip" but the words caught in his throat. Lavi didn't look right. Well, not _wrong_ either, but almost…nervous. Kanda wouldn't say shy, but it was bordering on the emotion.

Lavi was _never_ shy. Not around him, anyway.

Though it wasn't like he was particularly worried about that. It wasn't like he _wanted_ to see the redhead naked. It just so happened that he'd have to, just to check for wounds.

So really, he shouldn't give a damn about the nervousness, except for the fact it was distracting (dammit his fingers kept _twitching_ and Kanda was pretty sure that was blood now), and—

He let out a sigh, "Clothes. Off. Now." He ground out quick, and sharp, opening his eyes (when had he closed them?) just in time to see the man tense.

That wasn't right. He knew that wasn't right. It wasn't something Lavi _did_.

He kept forcing that stagnant—he wouldn't call it fear, no, it was a keen sort of interest, actually—back to the depths of his mind, making motions he knew the redhead would understand regardless.

And hesitantly, the man began to remove his clothes, fidgeting, and not quite looking at him, and wincing when fabric brushed a sore spot.

First was his Exorcist Jacket. Sweat soaked, and slightly clingy, the leather material was unbuttoned and tugged off, down his arms, slowly. He seemed the most comfortable with this layer gone, but Kanda noticed his breathing pick up slightly.

Next came the shirt, he winced as he tugged the dark material over his head and threw it over to the side. Kanda's eyes immediately raked over the man's chest—checking for any other wounds that hadn't been visible.

He felt slightly sick when he saw them. Mostly in the form of painful bruises, but he was almost certain that he must have broken a rib. Maybe when he fell, _The idiot_. His shoulder was also bleeding, the wound much deeper (and unfortunately, still bleeding) than he expected. That would have to be cleaned and bound immediately.

The headband was tossed aside without much effort—it was gone before Kanda could blink—and this is when the redhead paused, inhaling sharply and shaking his head, his one good eye going out of focus as it found Kanda's face.

"Y-Y'know," he breathed out, "Starin's not nice, Yuu-chan~" he was trying to be his normal cheerful self, but something was missing. And it wasn't like he was staring because he _wanted_ to.

"Che," but just for measures sake he turned his eyes away to the coat and shirt lying in a heap. He could see what he was sure was bloodstains on one of the sleeves. "Just hurry the fuck up." Not because he was worried.

"Sure, sure, Yuu-chan." The normal hint of teasing wasn't there, though.  
Or it was, but it paled in comparison, and there was too much hesitance for Kanda _not_ to notice, but when he turned his head to look at the man he turned right back away again.

The man's hands had begun tugging at his belt hoops, revealing a bit more skin that Kanda had been prepared for. Not that he—

He exhaled roughly when he heard a soft yelp from the other teen, and immediately his eyes zoomed in to focus. Lavi was grimacing in pain, mixed with another unreadable emotion, and he was trying to loosen his boots from his legs, but it wasn't quite working.

"_Shit_," the man hissed, staggering a bit, and before Kanda could necessarily control the motion, both hands had shot out, to grip the man's arm, and with another yelp of pain, and a well planned slip—

They both landed, sprawled out, in the stream.

The shock of cold water brought Kanda immediately reeling backward, but it wasn't enough. Lavi let out a pained yelp a moment later, and Kanda stilled, opening his eyes—which he had closed from the impact—to look down at the redhead.

Their legs had somehow tangled together during their transaction, and Kanda realized he had tried to use his knees as leverage, and the gasp had been caused by _him_ and—

Immediately he brought his hands down as Lavi shifted under him, causing small waves to form, and splash against both of them, and though it didn't do much good it made Kanda scowl because—those were definitely bloodstains. _definitely_, and from how red they looked, he could tell some of the wounds were still bleeding.

And Lavi was very obviously still in pain.

"Che," he ground out when the slightly younger man still hadn't moved, bringing his hands (this time much gentler, so that the other wouldn't let out that yelp, so that the Akuma wouldn't accidentally overhear—but then they were probably miles away by now, and he scowled at such an excuse) on Lavi's knees again, and spread them just slightly so he could work on the buckles holding them in place.

Lavi didn't like that.

And Kanda was definitely close enough that he couldn't _not_ notice.  
"Would you stop?" He ground out, eyes flashing up to Lavi's face. The pain was still there, mixed with nervousness and, if the redhead was afraid Kanda would _definitely_ give him something to be afraid of.

"Stop what, Yuu-chan?"

Kanda almost wanted to hit him. Almost. The redhead certainly _thought_ he would in any case, and cringed outwardly, a mask of fear coming up. And not of the mockery kind.

Something akin to interest stirred, but Kanda forced it down immediately, instead 'che'ing' and focusing back on Lavi's legs, and the boots that _wouldn't come off_, and he noticed this time around when he tried, that the muscles didn't contract as much. It was only a breath compared to the inhale of before.

He wasn't supposed to get that analogy, and growled when the buckle refused to come loose.

"N-Need some help, Yuu-chan?" Lavi asked after a moment, hands reaching out to join Kanda's own, and when he growled he expected the man to still help him anyway, but he saw the flinch.

"See, it's like this." But the hands didn't pull away, they demonstrated how to remove one buckles first, and _then_ they darted back to safety.

Or tried to.

Kanda didn't let him, and again his body moved without his consent—hand darting out to grab Lavi's wrist before it reached his lap—and latching on. Their eyes met a split second later, and an intake of breath was all it took for Kanda to snap.

"Stop it." He repeated, a little more venom in his voice than before, and he could pretend it was just to get the point across and not because of the look on Lavi's face, because it was doing strange things to his stomach, and pushing odd notions into his already overstuffed head.

He really needed to meditate.

The idiot wasn't helping. He was making it worse. He wasn't a distraction anymore.

Kanda wasn't sure _what_ he was. But dammit it was _annoying_ and interesting and—

"I can't stop it if I don't know what you're talkin' about, Yuu," and his voice was too, and the fact that he didn't add on 'chan' and that there was more than a little nervousness in his voice, mixed with fear that sounded a little more normal, and Kanda couldn't bring himself to make his mouth work.

But he had to.

So he sighed, opened his mouth, and—"Tensing like I'm going to fucking _hurt_ you."

Well, he hadn't meant to say it like that.

The shock on Lavi's face was clear enough. So was the lie that fell from the redheads lips a moment later, "I know you aren't gonna hurt me."

"Then stop acting like it."

The redhead flinched.

Kanda shouldn't have liked that. But it was interesting now. Not bad. Different, but not horrible, and it did that thing again, in the pit of his stomach, and his hazy concentration.

He turned his eyes back to the buckle under his grip and began to tug at it again. He managed to get the others undone, and tug the boot off, swiftly, and fast, and chuck it over somewhere out of the stream.

He ignored Lavi's shift, moving to the other boot, and quickly undoing that as well.

But Lavi's words beat him to it.

"I…sorry Yuu-chan." At best his voice sounded sheepish, nowhere near as apologetic as it should, and much more sad that Kanda had expected. Sad enough to get his eyes to snap up to familiar green ones (well, _one_). When they met the redhead smiled, and even that wasn't as apologetic, it was too pained to be, "I guess I was just…" he paused, sighing, "Nah, never mind."

And Kanda didn't care.

So he wouldn't ask.

But Lavi wasn't looking at him again, he was looking off to the left, down the river towards the pond it stemmed from, and even though it was dark, and there was barely any moonlight, Kanda could see the scars.

White, and pale against equally pale skin. Some small and thin, others not so much, and Kanda wasn't much of an idiot to think the man had an easy life. How could he? But those weren't wounds to worry about. He had them too, along with the hallways, and the darkness, and those things he shouldn't see but did anyway—

All he wished he could _stop_ thinking of.

Now wasn't the time.

They needed to get back as soon as possible. He needed to meditate. Needed to be _alone_ where things were normal but weren't and he _knew_ they weren't.

So when Lavi yelped in pain, it really wasn't his fault he wasn't paying any attention, and maybe he was a little rough when he tugged the boot off his other leg and tossed it off somewhere with a splash—

Because they all had it.

And he didn't care.

"Y-Yuu?!" The startled sound of the other's voice was almost enough to snap him out of it, as his eyes flashed up and focused on a shocked green eye, and wet red hair that matted to his forehead, and dripped down his face.

And Kanda realized he had pushed the man farther back into the water, and he was shivering a little now, as the water cascaded off his skin, and the blood mixed with the water, and flowed downstream to collect somewhere, Kanda didn't care where.

His hands found the hem of the redhead's pants and started tugging. He needed to get out of here, he knew he did, so they needed to hurry, and not freeze, and not get rained on, and needed to—needed to—

Hands reached out to grab his and squeeze, "Y-Yuu, I can do that myself!" And he didn't ignore the rise of panic there, an undertone in the slightly younger man's voice, but his eyes did flash up in annoyance.

"Che," but he didn't let go, there wasn't a reason to, and really, Lavi was being so—so—

"Really, Yuu," The hands tightened, stopping his movement altogether, "I…ah," he pushed Kanda's hands away, and he wasn't looking at him, and his wound wasn't bleeding so bad anymore, as he worked out the button, and pulled down the zipper, wiggling out of the too tight pants that Kanda had to wonder how he fit in, in the first place.

Then he saw the scars, some still bleeding, and others like the ones on his chest. Small, thin, barely there, fully healed, and he wasn't a healer, but Tiedoll had taught him enough to recognize where stitches had once been crudely made, where scars had been a little too deep for normal.

All the scars. Too deep.

His eyes met the redheads.

But he wasn't looking again, just shifting, nervously.

Kanda didn't try to understand it then, as his hands touched the wounds; open flesh first, making the man hiss in silent pain. But then they moved past, to the others, to the scars that anyone else would never see.

He reacted badly.

"Y-Yuu?" Did he really think he wouldn't notice? Hands made to grab hands again, but Kanda stopped it, moving his hands beneath Lavi's knees, and spreading the legs further, using his knee as leverage.

And suddenly they were too close.

Too, _too_ close.

Kanda really couldn't think. He needed to leave. Something was wrong, and Lavi's eye was flashing dangerously in fear and pain, and memories, and he wasn't _looking_ at him. But was. They were in an eye-lock, Kanda knew that.

But it wasn't him Lavi was seeing.

And he wouldn't pretend to understand. But maybe he would, as his hands began tracing the scars again, the ones he hadn't seen immediately, under the man's legs, starting at the junction of his knee.

They were small enough to not be seen at first glance, unless one purposely reached out and touched, and maybe it was _because_ he had been, but—

"Stop." It was breathy whisper, tinged with fear Kanda knew wasn't caused by the current situation. Couldn't be. Because Lavi wasn't staring at him.

He really should stop.

He wouldn't even _do_ this. But…this wasn't—he snuffed the thought out, body pressing closer, hands raking along, using nails now, to feel the deep wounds, leg brushing closer to the junction and—

He scowled.

Lavi's face was a light shade of pink along with the fear. Kanda's leg brushed again.

A sharp intake of breath this time.

Not from the pain.

_When had?_

Kanda couldn't help but feel a little mortified, as Lavi's eyes refocused, momentarily on him and his discovery.

"I—" the words were choked out, embarrassed, but simple, and the fear was still there, like this _wasn't allowed_ and maybe that was what Lavi was remembering. Whatever that was.

"This?" He pressed with his knee against the embarrassing bulge he really didn't have any interest in.

His face was what caught his interest.

And the _fear_

Was that wrong?

Was he even thinking straight?

Could he blame that?

Lavi made a sound akin to a keening whine as his knee pressed once more, this time accidental, and his one good eye squeezed shut, and his unwounded arm reached up to grab at the Exorcist jacket Kanda still wore, to grip at the fabric.

Kanda half-notioned to shrug it off. But he left it there, for decencies sake.

"Che, is _this_ what you're hiding?" Maybe his voice sounded too dark even to his ears, but the shiver Lavi gave was a distraction again, and the things in his mind got farther away. Took a step back, allowed other things to move, and shift, and there was a blank slate resting.

Maybe this would be enough?

He didn't want to question it.

They were out in the middle of a forest. It was going to rain. They were in a river. They were—but the technicalities didn't matter.

He just knew Lavi didn't answer him, and it was better that way, he decided. He could see the fear easily enough, behind the mask of everything else, and the pleasure this was obviously causing him.

The redhead's breath quickened, and when Kanda got the notion in his head to spread the legs in front of him wider, they were more compliant. But they could only go so far before pain showed.

_The wounds_. Of course.

That's why they were here.

He traced them again, feeling blood run along his fingertips, as he smeared it against the pale skin between. He more than knew that grabbing bandages would be a good idea, but they would be back at the inn, and maybe it hadn't been a good idea to go so far to the stream, but the wounds weren't as deep as they could possibly be, a good cleaning would hold till they got back and—

His mind was becoming a little more blank for once, as he used one hand, this time, to slip between him.

Lavi's gasp was the trigger.

Bits and pieces faded away at it, clearing away the tension, but heightening it, and maybe the Exorcist Jacket should leave now, because the other was so painfully bare in front of him. Maybe he could forgo decency.

Maybe.

It was amusing, in a sadistic sort of way, to see Lavi's hips move towards him as he brought his hand away to undo the first few buttons of said jacket. It was even more amusing to see the fear that mixed with that, and the stilling of hips because of it.

And the gaze that looked up at him, but again wasn't looking at him. It was someone else.

"Y-Yuu," It was his name though, on the other's lips, and maybe the other wasn't as far gone as he originally thought. But with the hazy quality of it all, and his clearing tension, it didn't really matter anymore.

And maybe it was more than a little cruel that he was enjoying it—that _fear_ there, but he pushed that thought away easily, shrugging his jacket off and tossing it up on the banks by their clothes.

Then his hands were back.

And it was hard to stop.

Even when Lavi's wounded arm rose to greet his shoulder, to halt his movement, even for a millisecond, through the grimaced pain, Kanda didn't stop. He had the advantage here, and he wasn't wary against the weak. He never was.

He wasn't like—

His mind clouded a bit at the almost mentioning of other names. Names that would make him remember the tension, and what he had to hide, what he had to try and be sane for, where he couldn't slip into.

Of long hair cut short, and beansprouts that tasted horrible, when all he could see now was red.

He liked red.

Or maybe he didn't.

And he hadn't expected—but then, when those hands rose up and when those arms wrapped around, and the pained yelp as he _ground down_  
The moment was so much clearer.

Everything else was so far away.

"W-Wai—" No coherent sentences. No talking.

Maybe he needed the redhead more than he thought.

Why hadn't he realized it before?

Lips pressed, smashed, rammed together, painfully, teeth, and tongue—  
If the redhead could make him forget, why hadn't he tried this before?

His nails clenched around resistant thighs, as he ground once more, down, water splashing noisily around them, breathy gasps meeting each other halfway. Sharing breath.

_Why hadn't he?_

He couldn't find the answer. Maybe he didn't want one, as he felt a sharp tongue fight against his own, and hands push away for breath despite the condition he _knew_ the other man was in.

Maybe it was a mistake to let him pull away.

But he did, regardless, watching the pain flash there, for a split second, in emerald depths that darkened—fear, anger, _remembrance_--but above all else—

_Pain_

"Why…you?" The voice was raspy as arms went slack, and Kanda could feel his world cloud again, with reality, with the warmth beneath him that was too cold, and those smiles from earlier—when the man had _knocked_ for once because he understood.

Maybe this wasn't the way.

Maybe it wasn't but—but—

"_Shit_."

His hips pressed down, and it mildly horrified him now, the reaction he received

The redhead's hips met his.

But those eyes weren't his.

And his vision cleared just a little.

Legs raised, complied, easily.

Each movement sending clarity.

Quickening breath, A shift, a movement.

Lavi wasn't looking at him.

_It wasn't him_.

And maybe that's what—

_**So c'mon, Yuu-chan**_. He remembered allowing the redhead to drag him out of the room, dreading why he had agreed (how did the redhead get that out of him in the first place?) and wondering how long he would spend there, and if they would call that man again to talk to him. To say those illusions weren't real.

But Lavi hadn't taken him there. He hadn't.

It made this feel so wrong now.

Because he hadn't understood that.__

__Hadn't understood why he felt just a little lighter. A little more likely to—no. He wouldn't smile. There was never a reason to—but the redhead hadn't taken him there.  
_**  
Did ya really think I would? **_With the laughing flirtatious edge, so unlike now with words laced in pain, and legs spreading now on their own accord, broken and limp and so obviously—

_**Y'see? Now if the Matron, or Lenalee, or someone comes to look for ya, ya don't have to hide.**_

All Kanda had wondered at the time was why he couldn't stay in his room.  
_**Because they'd find ya there!**_

Maybe it was endearing how the sun had filtered in through the small clearing. How it was usually so dreary at the new headquarters, but how today there was sun—the sun he actually noticed.

For once.

And it had—

He could feel raindrops.

Lavi's face was covered now, with one arm, as he entered him. He wanted his body to stop. He wanted—

A gasp.

He was _hurting_ him. And for the first time he felt more than annoyance at him. This had nothing to do with _strength_. This had nothing to do with being _weak_. But his body wouldn't stop, and with each thrust the memory of—of—

It was disappearing.

Even as it just happened.

_What happened?_

But the words wouldn't fall.

And when they reached completion, moments, minutes, later, messily, imperfect, fitting together right, but then wrong, and he _hated_ it because it was all too clear and vivid.

The raindrops felt like needles.

He couldn't ignore the tears.

And he felt sick.

Control was something he prided himself in. It was something he convinced himself of, when the wary glances had been shot at him. Because Lenalee was too damn intuitive, and could see he was—that was—something was wrong.  
Not right. Not like Kanda.

He thought the fighting would be enough.

But no. Even he didn't know he would slip that far.

He even knew that was an excuse.

And as Lavi shifted from under him, and Kanda caught sight of those eyes—

The bright laughter.

The sun through the trees.

It wasn't there.

And when he scrambled, painfully, up the bank to grab at soaking clothes—because it didn't matter, no one would see them and—

Kanda reached out.

Because

For once

He was—

So-rry…

He was sorry.

He was sorry like he was sorry when Tiedoll protected him. Like when he was the only one left, and couldn't do anything. Like when he couldn't forget those flowers.

But he had never said it.

And he wanted to.

But Lavi didn't let him. He flinched away immediately at the touch, tugging on his exorcist jacket, fishing out a boot out of the stream—and then—

Kanda never understood what it meant before.

The others had said something like it, on the Ark. They said they had seen something, and it worried them, and he had ignored the pensive look on Komui's face as he refused to explain, said it was _entirely Rhode's doing_. He had ignored the bad feeling there.

Maybe that was a broken smile.

Or a too well crafted one.

He couldn't tell, because it was just like normal.

"Neh, Yuu-chan," the only give away was the grating sound of his voice, hoarse and rough, "We should go, don't cha think? It's gonna get worse." Kanda wasn't sure he meant the rain or something else entirely. And when he boarded Odzuchi Kodzuchi the man almost immediately shifted away. It was all entirely too sick.

Lavi was acting like Lavi.

And it made him sick.

**Back at the Order, ****X**** Amount of Days Later**

"I see, so the Innocence was a fake?" Komui murmured, looking down at the mission report on his desk, before glancing back up at the black haired teen in front of him. He received a curt nod, and sighed, leaning back in his chair, "I suppose it was too much to hope?" He closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them, to stare up at the blank ceiling.

"And the city was destroyed?" He asked after a moment, not even bothering to look at Kanda for a reaction. He already knew the results, from the last connecting phone calls before the Finder's death.

It would be another cover up. One he didn't quite look forward to, but the Vatican would cover it, as always. Their 'duty' in this 'Holy War', Komui felt his lips twitch upward.

_A Holy War that kills so many_ he didn't even bother to check the death total anymore, so few survived the encounters now, and those who didn't often fell into the Earl's clutches anyway.

It was a hopeless cycle.

A hopeless cycle when those supposed to be their hope was only a handful 'Chosen', well, _Teenagers_ almost.

He let out another sigh, closing his eyes once more before straightening up, pinning Kanda with a gaze that the man stiffened at. "No Noah?"

"No Noah." The man repeated.

Now _that_ was worrisome, "You're certain?" The dark haired man nodded his head, "You checked everywhere? Didn't miss anything?" Another, nod, though somewhat halted this time.

Komui rested his head against the desk, letting out another sigh, "I…see. I suppose I'll have to talk with Lavi then." He didn't miss the immediate seizing of muscles, and glanced up, curiously. Kanda wasn't looking at him.  
_Now that's odd._

"Is he still in the medical wing?"

A stiff nod answered him.

"Would you accompany me there, then?" Oh. That got a negative reaction.  
"Che, why should I?" But the voice behind the statement was half-hearted at best.

"Well, why not?" Komui leaned forward a bit, "You both went on the mission, and it was awfully nice of you not to force him to come here beforehand."

The teen opened his mouth to retort, but paused, and if Komui didn't know any better, he would have thought the boy changed his words, "The Matron wouldn't let me."

"He's really that wounded?" Komui raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"Che, didn't you see him?" Was that worry in his tone? Komui couldn't be sure, as he got up and maneuvered around the desk to stand next to Kanda.

"Yes I did," He replied easily enough, "He was walking well enough."

"Well he was acting." The words held a bitterness Komui hadn't entirely been expecting, and he was sure his expression showed it, as Kanda turned away and ground out the next words, "The fucking _baka_ tried to be the fucking distraction—he got surrounded by three Level 3's."

Komui's jaw dropped just slightly.

It didn't say that in the report.

It didn't say that in the sightings, but then, he assumed the Finder had died before he got an accurate gauge on how many Akuma had actually been there. And it only made sense, after all, have higher ranking Akuma there in replace of a Noah.

_But then where are the Noah?_ He chose to ignore that question and stepped past Kanda, towards the door, he paused before he stepped through, turning back to the teen, "Would you accompany me?"

"I already gave you my report."

"But you're worried aren't you?" If this had been any other time he would have enjoyed the tensing muscles. It was always wonderful to know the teen cared—that he had the capacity too, even if he would deny it to hell and back.

But now it wasn't. With the way the muscles tensed and—that _expression_--

He let the door fall from his grip, and shut, slowly.

Kanda jolted.

Mouth opened—to say—

"What happened?" He tensed even further at the question, looking away, and not even bothering to come up with an answer, "Kanda."

"He," breath hitched for a moment, "Che…nothing."

"What did he do?"

His expression then was strange, Komui had to admit, he had never seen it before, and he was sure Tiedoll had never seen it either (he'd have to ask the man when he came back). But it looked wrong, and maybe Lenalee had been accurate when saying that he seemed to be slipping. Maybe he had tested his judgment a little too far. Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to send him on this mission.

"Kanda?"

"He didn't do anything." It was surprisingly straightforward, but then he knew just as he knew Kanda, Kanda knew him and—

"Are you sure?"

The man nodded, surprisingly simply as well, but at the same time he tensed, "He…didn't do anything. It was—" he paused, thinking over the words.

Komui turned fully to face him now, "It was?" He questioned, "You know you can tell me. It will be kept confidential." Or at least, he hoped it would be. No promises, anymore, as much as he hated it.

But it was enough to have Kanda mull over that prospect. And really, Komui should have left after a few minutes of silence, because for all he knew, the other boy might need stitches, or his wounds (whatever they may be, Kanda didn't seem inclined to tell him, but if he really _had_ been surrounded by three Level 3's then he was certainly wounded) disinfected.  
And from the way the redhead usually bemoaned—he didn't need the headache.  
It was so rare to get Kanda to talk, though. So he would wait, and watch, as the boy's eyes narrowed, then widened, then saddened then—

Were his eyes always that readable?

"My fault." The answer was hesitant, and more than shocked him, "It…was my fault. Not…not his." He wasn't looking at him either.

"Pardon?" Because if it was something as simple as Lavi blaming him for something, then that would be gone in a few days wouldn't it?

Something in Kanda's expression told him otherwise, though, "I don't think…" then he shook his head, "Che."

And Komui knew he wouldn't say anymore.

But—

"If you say so."

Kanda still didn't look at him.

And as he left his office—leaving the boy standing there alone—he had to wonder exactly--_what_ it could have been, the redhead had _seemed_ normal enough, but as he moved down the hall, he couldn't help but feel something rise in his stomach to churn, and sit, heavy, and uncomfortable.

_Maybe Lenalee had been right?_

Maybe his comfort had been misplaced?

But he swallowed the thought and instead maneuvered down the hall at a quickening pace, until he reached the medic wing. And he more than knew something was wrong in the expression clear on the Matrons face.

"Ah?" She was staring right at him, face pensive and distrusting and _worried_, "What--?" He started.

But she cut him off, "Where's Kanda?"

"In…my Office?" Somehow he wished the words hadn't slipped out, as the Matron moved to walk past him. He reached out to grab her—

"Don't." But a voice cut the movement off, and Komui turned towards the open door of the infirmary. He easily recognized the voice as Bookman's, but usually the man didn't visit his apprentice until he had been diagnosed, and if the Matron had been waiting out in the hall, then that meant she hadn't gotten to him yet and—

He was confused.

"There is no need to bring the boy here immediately." Komui peered in to see the elderly man sitting on a chair next to the bed Lavi was apparently sleeping in. Except Lavi wasn't sleeping. Komui had seen him sleep before, on late night visits to the infirmary when the man had been wounded. He always kicked, or fidgeted in his sleep.

He wasn't even moving now, and his face was contorted in fear and from the look on Bookman's face, his worry wasn't misplaced. The man had out his acupuncture needles, as if he was getting ready to use them for something.

"I would like you to leave us be for a while."

"But—" The Matron started.

"No buts." Bookman's voice held no leeway for an argument of any kind.  
"His legs might be broken!" She started, jerking her arm out of Komui's hand. He could only stare, "And I refuse to let a patient of mine be treated that way first before we can even set his bone!"

"Too bad." Something scathing and deep, and sharp as needles echoed in the forefront of the shorter man's voice, and for once Komui could say he was honestly afraid of the older man. "He's my apprentice," though he couldn't ignore the almost gentle—worried—gaze pinpointed at Lavi's slack face, "I am entitled to seeing to him before anyone else. Now please leave."

Matron opened her mouth.

Bookman simply gave her a look, and the mouth snapped shut.

"Fine then," she hissed, taking two steps back before slamming the door. Komui couldn't help but flinch as she turned her head towards him, "In your office, you said?"

Komui felt himself nod.

But then he halted, "Wai—why do you need him?" A bad feeling churned once more in his stomach.

"Lavi nearly collapsed after we got him to the Medical Wing to check up on him, and when _Kanda_ tried to help him up—when _any_ of us tried to help him up he—" she let out a gasping breath, "wouldn't let us." She finished up simply, and it was more than obvious that the answer wasn't as simple as that.

Komui wished the twisting knot in his stomach would just go away, but it only tightened, "And…?"

"Kanda must have done something." Her eyes narrowed down the hall, "In fact he…could have only, Lavi wouldn't let him touch him. And that isn't—" she paused, glancing at the door, "That isn't—" again she tried.

"So it's Kanda's fault?" Komui didn't want to think of what the man did.

"Yes. Yes it is." Stone cold, unfriendly.

Komui let out a sigh, allowing a hand to come up and remove his glasses from his eyes, "Then I doubt he's in my office anymore." And he hated it, really, how he could remain so calm. And he hated, how things seemed to be falling apart, just when he thought Kanda would say something more, just when—just when so many things.

He leaned against the wall as he heard the Matron's soft footsteps pad by him.

It was all too much, wasn't it? Not that he ever expected it to be easy.

************************************************************

**The easiest part to write in this was Komui's character. Not sure why, but I felt like he needed to be stuck in there somewhere...and why the heck is this screaming 'wrap it up!' in loud letters? *fidgets* I hate it when a fic does that but...uh...if someone wants to see another scene from this...say so in a review? Can't guarentee it'll come quickly, but then I'm doing requests out of order so it wouldn't surprise me if it came out sooner rather than later...**

**And now I'm off to bed. It's almost midnight and I need sleep  
**


	2. Break Myself

**And just like I seem to be doing recently…**_**here's**_** the Extra Scene that so many people wanted me to write (and that I had in my head to make me happy) **

**First written on an LJ post/journal (err, like everything else I seem to be writing now-a-days), so it isn't beta'd yet, but I'm doing that now. (though if anyone sees something glaringly bad, feel free to tell me via review. I'd appreciate it XD) **

**Song Inspiration: Break Myself by Something Corporate (hence the chapter name) **

**Other than that? ENJOY! (And thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! *hugs everyone* I really appreciate it!)  
**

***************************************

"Brother," Komui looked up from the stacks of paper littering his desk, to a familiar sight--Lenalee standing there, as she had so many times before, tray in her hands with his favorite mug placed dead-center, filled with piping hot coffee, as always. Except she wasn't smiling--her smile had gone wane these past few weeks, and really, he couldn't blame her.

Because she noticed.

"Yes?" He pushed back from his desk and stood as always, giving her the needed cue to say she could come closer. This time, though, she didn't. She stood resolutely by the door, eyes flaring with some emotion he didn't _want_ to put a name to, "What's...wrong?"

"You know what's wrong." She stepped in enough so that she could kick the door shut with her foot, and instead of walking to the desk, she set the tray down on the small side table by the couch.

"What....?" But he could pretend, couldn't he? Just to see how much she _knew_. He didn't want to say too much, after all, not to his precious Lenalee. He didn't know--

"Lavi," she murmured, eyes downcast, "and _Kanda_-kun," Eyes snapped up, "What happened?"

He swallowed, _of course_, "Well, they just got back from a Mission."

"That was _three weeks ago_, brother," she took two steps forward, heels clicking against the tiled flooring, "_Two weeks_--and--and Lavi's still not out of the infirmary, Bookman goes to see him every day--_every day_! And usually I can drag Kanda there once, but--" she exhaled and breathed in again, in attempts to calm herself, but she didn't continue.

And her eyes--they held a threat.

"But?"

"Can you guess how Lavi _reacted_ to his name?" Steel cold. It made him flinch for the first time. _His_ Lenalee--_his_ dear little sister was definitely growing up. But not in the way he wanted, "You already know, don't you?"

He jolted and quickly shifted his glasses, the motion was left with a watery laugh, "I--"

"What did Kanda _do_?"

Unlike everyone else, she didn't blame Lavi first. She _didn't_. But--but--

"I...Lenalee," he maneuvered around the desk, towards her, extending his arms, but she backed away.

Like a needle to the chest. Sharp, acute, pain--he dropped his arms to his side, "_Lenalee_," he repeated, bowing his head, "I'm....sorry but, I don't think..."

"I should _know_?" She sounded horrified, hurt, disgusted, "_Why_ brother? _Why_?"

The smile he gave wasn't one he was entirely too proud of, "It's not something you can fix, Lenalee."

And he couldn't necessarily blame her for running--for the door that slammed--that muffled an already choked sob--

But he could do nothing, except walk to the stand, to the coffee, and pick it up.

Though he knew he wouldn't drink it.

* * *

Kanda was fed up. Fed up with the hushed rumors, and scathing looks shot at him from across the room, of harsh footsteps and crying Lenalee's--asking him, in a fit of tears, and sobs, _What happened_. He hated that he choked. He hated that she would probably run to Allen next, maybe. Get him involved, when stupid _Moyashi's_ didn't need to be. He didn't need another round of scathing looks because no matter--no _matter _how naive the man acted, he would know. He would see it.

And Kanda hated it.

He just--he just wanted--what did he want?

His chest to stop hurting, for one. It hadn't hurt this much since thosememorieshewouldn'tbringupagain, and _this_...this was just--another thing. Another thing he didn't want.

Kanda Yuu was fed up.

But he didn't know if he could fix this.

Because he--he..._had_...screwed up. He could still see Lavi, and the river, wet--soaking wet, and lone green eye, distant but still focused--and it hurt that he wanted to _know_ who it was that the man had remembered that time. Even if he didn't have the right; even if in the long run he knew he would never know.

It was almost laughable, really, except he wasn't laughing. This was no time for laughing, as he made his way down a slightly-more-familiar hallway, to the Medical Wing.

He knew he was pushing his luck, too, that the Matron would even let him _see_ Lavi. Because she had figured it out, as well, just like Allen inevitably would.

_What he had done._

It made his stomach roll, and his steps come in halting intervals.

But he _needed_ to fix this.

He _needed_ to resolve this. To make it--to attach the pieces a little firmer.

He--because--he was _sorry_. But he doubted the man had heard him the first time. And that hurt a little more than it should. Just as the man flinched away from his touch, but then Kanda hadn't been one for physical contact before, so that--

He grit his teeth and quickened his pace. He was getting closer to the Medic wing--to the room Lavi was being kept in and--immediately his feet slowed, as another fit of--no_ he was not_...not...was it stupid? Did he really _think_...?

He got his unasked questions answer when the Matron stormed out of the very room he had been wanting to enter, face a perfect mask of acute panic. Her eyes fell on him immediately, and before he could turn around and pretend that he _hadn't_ been going to visit Lavi--she had already grabbed him in a grip much stronger than she should have.

"_You_," she hissed but there was more worry in it than scathing reprimand, "Have you--have you seen _Lavi_?" He blinked, wait, _what_?

But before he could answer, a nurse came out of one of the rooms down the hall, "He isn't there either, Matron." Her eyes fell on him and she didn't stifle the gasp.

_Of course_. What had he been expecting?

"_Wonderful_." The Matron groaned out, loosening her grip on his wrist for just a moment, "I can't believe he--he can't even _walk _that well!" She shot him a look, "Well?"

"Che, like he'd--" he paused _no_ he didn't want to say that, "no, I didn't see...him."

"That doesn't help." She responded flatly, before turning to the nurse and whispering something in a hushed voice. Immediately the nurse dashed past him, down the hall as if Lavi _really_ could have gone that way. As if they thought he was lying. It made him sick that he couldn't entirely _blame_ them, either.

"What are you doing here anyway?" The Matron asked a moment later, curious but cold, "You didn't want to..._see him_, did you?"

Kanda would _not_ freeze up at that, "_Che_, and if I did?" He waited for the 'No' or 'As if I'd _let_ you'--the normal response she would have given him.

Except this time she didn't give him.

She just sighed, and shook her head, giving him a look over her shoulder that meant _so much_--as if she _knew_ so much--"You're really sorry?" Her voice was quiet.

He felt like choking. Almost. But he gave a nod anyway.

"Then will you help us find him?" He couldn't stop his eyes from widening at that, "Well--you _were_ his friend, weren't you? It makes sense that you would know where he might be hiding." She gave him a once over, before sighing again, "And...if you so _happen_ to find him...before we do...then you may..._speak_ with him. If he lets you."

..._Of course_.

He didn't reply, simply walked by her. She was expecting too much, really, what made her think he knew where the redhead hid? As far as he knew, he had never shown any noncompliance (except the occasional sneaking out with the _Moyashi_ to the cafeteria) before, so whatever made him sneak out this time, it had to be for a very good reason. Maybe. Possibly.

It did something annoying to his chest, though, something that he had been feeling more and more lately, especially whenever he caught a glimpse of the redhead. So when his feet carried him, with more purpose, to one of the many doors leading outside the new Order, he allowed them. He allowed them to lead him to that place he had only been once--with the redhead--

To that place he was thinking of before, the place that--

He ignored the slight chill in the air, and the fact that it had just rained, and the leaves (on the branches he had to constantly move or duck under) were wet, and dripping.

He ignored it, and continued walking, walking, missing a tree root, noticing how the sun was still shining, though through the clouds, and the world took a slight misty quality to it, like some _dream_ he didn't have. Didn't want to have. But that didn't matter, it didn't--he continue to walk forward, until the trees began to thin, to a small clearing.

There.

And _there_. He was.

Standing with his back facing him, one hand against the tree trunk of that one large tree. It almost reminded him of that other time, when the sun was shining for once--_except not_.

Because the sun wasn't shining now.

...Kanda wondered when he started missing the sunshine.

He shook that thought violently away, as with all the rest, taking a single step forward, then another, closing the distance--but he didn't get too far, before the man noticed.

_Noticed_, and turned his head.

He wished he could see the smile again. No matter how over-exaggerated it had seemed before. It was better than the pitiful excuse for turned up lips--the pitifully wide grin that seemed ready to break at any moment.

His feet weren't stopping, though. He was still closing the distance. Closing it until he stood in front of the man, and the smile wavered.

"Hiya Kanda!" His voice cracked, slightly, as well, "What're you doing out here?"

"Looking for you."

The man blinked, looking slightly shocked, and maybe it hurt just a little when the man pressed his back a little firmly against the tree. Like he was _afraid_.

"Neh, really? Why?"

_Because the Matron is looking for you._

_Because you snuck out when you shouldn't have_

_Because I--_

_Because I want--_

_to talk...to you..._

"Che, the Matron."

"Ah," He shifted, nervously, "Really ? I coulda sworn I told her I was goin' for a walk."

"Apparently not." The man wasn't even looking him in the eye. It was frustrating. It made him care, just a little more. It made him _worry_ just a little more.

"B-But I'm sure--"

"Che--_apparently not_."

The man flinched.

"Neh...I-I guess...I should go back, then, r-right?" He hated the stutter, too. So unbelievable. So hurt. So--so--

"You should." He agreed, but didn't budge. He knew Lavi wouldn't move if he didn't. He knew the man didn't want to _touch_ him either, and that--_that_ hurt maybe more than anything else.

"Um, but, you're...kinda...blockin' the way, Kanda." His eyes narrowed at the use of his surname, something Lavi seemed to be using a lot of, lately, "I--can't exactly go in if ya, y'know, don't...let me?" it was so feeble of an excuse. They both knew. They both--so it made perfect sense that he would force the man farther back into the tree, effectively pinning him there and--

_Dammit..._the man was _shaking_ now.

"K-Kanda...?"

"Don't call me that." The man's mouth snapped shut, "_Che_, you don't think anything of it, do you?" One green eye, impossibly wide, looking at him, "You...don't...I-" He sighed, why were the words so hard to form? He had the man _right there_. He could finally talk to him after nearly a month of avoiding.

He _had_ to set this right.

So he opened his eyes once more and looked deep--deep into that lone eye and let the words fall, "I wanted to talk to you."

The man remained silent, but the quaking--_goddammit _the man was _that_ afraid of him? Was he--_really_? His hand clenched into a fist and he dropped it to his side, backing away from the redhead, giving him ample room to _breathe_...

To not look at him, if he didn't want to.

He ignored how much it hurt, and continued speaking, "I'm--" except, of course, he had to choke up again. Now, with the man fully conscious, full at attention--he couldn't apologize. Suddenly it seemed so _stupid_...so incredibly _idiotic_--how could the man--_forgive_ him? How?

"You're?" he snapped to attention when that one eye focused on him again, almost sympathetic--like the man _understood_. But if he _really _understood, then why the hell was he _here_--what the hell had this past _month _meant?

"_Che_, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

_Like the man didn't know_!

Their eyes met and caught--for seconds, breathless seconds--_shit_, of course he did. But he--he wasn't expecting...if he knew then--then why...?

Lavi let out a sigh, shaky and just as nervous as his body was, "Do...Do you...mean it?"

"Yes." It was all he could force out.

_Too Cold_. His mind told him, and his heart squeezed uncomfortably in his chest. But before he could open his mouth to add onto that statement, Lavi cut him off, resting his head against the tree and _laughing_--except, it was dry, and coarse and--

"You _really_ suck at this, Yuu-chan."

He never thought he'd be glad to hear that nickname again. Or that smile --twisted as it was because of the laughter--stretched across his lips.

Their eyes met again.

"You _really, really suck _at that, y'know?" The laughter had died down somewhat, and though the man was still shaking, pressing his palms flat against the wet bark, and scraping it just to give them something to do, he continued on, "or maybe I do, I dunno. Maybe I'm an idiot too. Y'never know with something like this."

Kanda didn't want to guess at what the man was getting at. His heart was beating much too fast for his liking, and his stomach--well, he didn't want to think about that right now.

But he seemed to already know. Despite everything, and that _smile_ was back in full force, with the next words that slipped out, "Cuz I _forgive_ you."

Kanda stared. _What_?

"Fucking insane, idn't it?" The man brought one hand up to cover his uncovered eye, "Yeah--isn't it? This wouldn't be the first time either, y'know. _Y'know_, right?" He looked at him through his hand, and let out another choked laugh, "I forgave you right when you--you _did_ that--that...when you...but I _know_ I shouldn't cuz it rem--"

Suddenly Kanda wanted the man to stop talking.

Because he saw those tears. Big, and sad, and _truthful_ in more ways that words could ever be.

He ignored the tear that slid down the covered eye as well, and reached out, dragging the man's hand down, to touch those tears. This might be the first time he ever saw the man cry. Maybe. Or at least--it was the first time he _cared_ enough.

...He had forgiven him.

He had _forgiven_ him.

"Jiji tried to keep me away from y-you," His hands were shaking so badly in his own, even worse than without the touch, "Cuz he _knew_ th-this would _happen_, y'know? I-I can't...stop my heart f-from..._feeling_ this. An' I _know _it's wrong! I know it is!" Kanda wasn't sure if the man wanted to push him away, or pull him closer, but he let the nails dig into his palm. It was so small in comparison, and it wasn't like they would _be there_ in the morning.

Even if he (maybe) wanted them to be.

"And the others t-too--they _know_ this kind of thing is b-bad, but--but--_it's not_ to me. It's...better th-than..." he choked again, on the words, and pushed full away now, tears streaming down his cheeks, eye puffy red, but squeezed shut a moment later, "I jus' don't get it, do I? I jus--I jus _don't_."

Then--despite the tears--despite the shaking--despite how _cold_ it was outside, and how imperfect the situation was--

The man _smiled_, and whispered into the clearing--to the sky that was still cloudy and rainy, and generally unpleasant--"I love Yuu-chan. So--so--we can start over, right?"

And Kanda felt his own lips twitch, but he didn't move towards the man. He didn't, for all the _world_ he didn't. But--well, he was glad. He was glad and his heart was beating just a little faster than normal.

The man forgave him. They could...start...over--whatever that meant. He could be glad for once, couldn't he?

* * *

**And that's it. No I won't be continuing this one anymore (have far too many requests I have yet to complete/fill out), but yeah, I like the way this turned out.**

**Review if you'd like! **


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